I'm still trying to make fetch happen

Confessions of a Basic Bitch


I’ll admit, when I first started using the phrase “basic bitch”, I have very little understanding of what it actually meant. It’s like slang and that’s all I needed to know. I began writing about basic bitches, what they did on an average Tuesday, survival tips for music festivals they’d likely attend, and obviously I followed a shit ton of basic bitches on Insta. I may not have known much about basic bitches, but I knew that basic bitches loved Insta. They would probably quote that against a the silhouette of a girl splashing in the water and get 1000 likes in 5 minutes. Basic bitches love quotes and they love skinny girls at the beach.

One day I was asked to define what a basic bitch was. I couldn’t. So I looked it up.

The first entry on urban dictionary described a basic bitch phrased so eloquently, it could be the second verse of a Nikki Minaj song. I was not that basic bitch. The second entry described someone who was dull and low energy. That was also not me. The third entry, described a girl who “thought she was the shit because she owned material goods and also believed she held a higher standard than regular people”.

Was I a basic bitch?

tumblr_mgr4ckKB8r1rn6sruo1_250After little deliberation, I decided, I indeed, met the qualifications of that basic bitch. How did I become this basic bitch? Had my years at an elite private school where I took AP Art History and Calculus led me to believe I was somehow smarter than those around me? Maybe it was because I was one of the 8 people who purchased Sofia Coppola’s “The Bling Ring”. Had seeing those narcissistic, kleptomaniacs with hot bods make me think I was one of them? The more I researched “Basic Bitches”, the more I realized I was one of them. I am the proud owner of a North Face, take great comfort in my LuLu Lemon yoga pants and own black Uggs.  This is what I am wearing right now.  I am so basic.

I sat down on my couch to further contemplate my life.  I absent mindedly turned on the TV to a Sex & the City.  Nothing is better than spending 8 hours watching SATC reruns.  One time I called in sick to work so I could watch a six hour marathon on E!

tumblr_n1gamaBlaE1qit2xto1_500I began to look at my phone, we’ve been in a relationship since I was 13.  Scrolling through tweets, I realized I once tweeted at Rihanna… because I noticed her Instagram was missing.  Who was I? We’ve never even met!

I walk downstairs to read.  If there’s one thing smart people do it’s read.  I look on my bookshelf and remember I own the book version of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I read it quite frequently.  And then a flood of memories came back.

tumblr_mj9oalNJKX1s7ro8oo1_500I celebrated the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls by wearing pink on a Wednesday. I didn’t wear my hair in a ponytail because I had done that earlier in the week. I know the rules.

tumblr_mumrauDXCA1r6ubhwo1_500One time, I was drunk at a bar and in very broken Spanish tried to convince a dark, but non-Latino bartender that I was the heiress to de Leon Tequilla so I could get free shots. I even showed him my ID.  I am literally the worst.

tumblr_mn4r0l3v2F1rjem37o1_500I went on one Tinder date and it was awful. I swore off dating. A week later, I downloaded Tinder.

tumblr_mcinzpxjr01qezqfno1_250_0I have a 4 foot poster of Britney Spears that hung above my bed all four years of college. It now hangs in my closet for thinspiration (I can’t even believe I just used that word).

Screen Shot 2014-05-09 at 11.06.05 PMNot only do I follow Lauren Conrad on all forms of social media, but I also have an email subscription to her blog.

tumblr_mplro8Cgiq1ronh6ko1_500I have a blog.

Screen Shot 2014-05-09 at 11.04.43 PMOne time, I was having a bad day so I went to Sprinkles. I left with 4 cup cakes. I ate two while driving. This was last Thursday.

tumblr_inline_mpb9727m5P1qz4rgpKate Middleton is my religion.

a_3x-horizontal.jpgAnd lastly, I consider myself to be the Third Olsen Twin (I’m going through an “Ashley” phase).

tumblr_lirr3yVIHC1qgqcxvI was so disappointed in myself.  How could I let this happen?  I am better than this.  I proudly eat gluten.  I’ve never been to Soul Cycle.  I’m not really sure what it means to be vegan (you just eat vegetables, right?).  I read Vanity Fair for crying out loud. That is WAY above the average reading level of a basic bitch.

cher-thinkingThen I remembered something important about myself.  I hate Marilyn Monroe.  I think she’s a mediocre actress and her real talent was sucking JFK’s dick.   Basic bitches LOVE Marilyn, they quote her all the time and totally ignore the goddess that is Jackie Kennedy Onassis.  I knew in that moment that I would never be one of them.   I immediately unfollowed every Victoria’s Secret model and Vogue from Instagram.   I picked up a Spanish dictionary cause I think learning a language that I took for 6 years in high school and college will make me a better person.  I am going to get through this.

I'm a Jackie, not a Marilyn

I’m a Jackie, not a Marilyn

Realizing you’re a Basic Bitch is the first step in moving past the tendencies of a Basic Bitch.  Kate Middleton will always be my religion, but I don’t need 35 hashtags about it.  It’s fine to enjoy country music, but that doesn’t mean I should start talking about “my upbringing” in a fake southern accent.  And you know what, I think Carrie Bradshaw can be a total bitch.  I mean seriously, Big over Aiden? Only a basic bitch would make that mistake.  So now, I’m me, a real human being and a real hero.  And you know how I know that?  I own multiple songs off the Drive soundtrack.

Screen Shot 2014-05-09 at 11.14.29 PMYou can take the basic out of the bitch, but you can’t take the bitch out of basic.

6 Responses to “Confessions of a Basic Bitch”

  1. #stressed not #blessed | schlibby.com

    […] confuses me the most because it consists of beautiful models, cake and relationships advice.  It’s like how basic can you bitches get?  I already see enough couples making out on the beach in real life so seeing well dressed girls […]

  2. B

    Very informative, thank you for posting. I have one question though: Do basic bitches love the Cheesecake Factory? I was there last night and the thought occurred to me.

    • Schlibby

      probably not because it’s so many calories, but basic bitches love Pinkberry, Starbucks and Pumpkin Spice. So I guess if there was anything pumpkin spice on the menu, then they would love it!


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